Monday, November 21, 2011

Time Keeps on Slipping...Into the Future....

I know I say this EVERY week but, Damn - time flies!
Ever since Halloween, I feel like life has been on perpetual fast speed and I just need to slow things down. It's the proverbial Catch 22 - I want time to go by quickly so that I will be finished with my classes and all the hellish time-sucking work that comes with them -  But I NEED it to also slow down because Lord knows the work load I have in front of me can't get done in the course of a few days. I have 3 weeks to go and in that time I have the following projects due: 2 research papers, a special ed modified lesson plan, a graphic organizer to accompany one of my research papers, a group presentation, 2 final exams and a HUGE field work observation write up that I have to do based on my 90 hours of elementary school classroom observation (totaling about 100 pages typed). Never mind the stuff I have to do for the upcoming holiday.

Yeah, my head is spinning big time. Like a friggin' top.
Stop the ride, I wanna get off.....

So... if you guessed that dieting isn't on the front burner this week, you're 100% correctomundo!! What is it they say about the word "STRESSED" spelled backwards....??? Oh, come on - You know.....and I have been having my unfair share.
Basically, it boils down to this: I'm eating when I can, and eating what is available to me - and it's not all veggies and fruit, that is for sure. It doesn't mean I am having corn dogs dipped in cheeze whiz and chocolate covered chicken wings or anything, but I haven't been cooking a whole heck of a lot, that's for sure. My husband is on kitchen duty. In other words - There has been pizza. And shepherd's pie. And steak. And today a turkey & swiss pannini from the deli down the street. I did manage to make homemade black bean soup that was absolutely fabulous, minus the gas it gave me for three days after the fact. Beg pardon - TMI?????

This week wasn't great to say the least - I am back at 231 again - so alas, a gain AGAIN...Hello, Yo-Yo! This story is so old, so annoying, and soooooo last July. I'm over it but I will say that in my heart of hearts, I know that until I get a grip on the school work hanging over my head, I will be able to focus on little else. I know it's wrong, but it's the reality.

Another reality is that I get to go for a physical next week as a part of my clearances for student teaching. I can't remember what I weighed the last time I saw my doctor but I was probably in the 220's, if I'm guessing. So I haven't changed much weight wise but I know that I expressed to her the last time I was there that I wanted to lose weight...that was at least 2 years ago. Um, hello???? Epic fail.

Anyway - I am sorry to disappoint once again - that goes for myself and my fellow bloggers. If I lost an ounce for every time I thought about dieting or losing weight, I'd be the world's skinniest woman. But let's face it, thinking doesn't mean doing....I'm not stupid. I know which end is up.I'm struggling more than ever and I hate it.

In three weeks I will be a free woman, though!! I will have time to live again and get my head in order and focus on a plan. Am I making excuses? Maybe...
Does that mean I accept the way I am and am ready to give up? No - Not at all.
I hope every one else is having better luck.....or better motivation...or whatever it is I lack.
Keep posting your success stories. Even a girl who isn't "there yet" still likes to hear good news from the "other side."

Monday, November 14, 2011

Lost my Compass...

How is it that it is Monday already? I feel like I was just spewing on and on about my claims to better health and detox and all things weight loss related - gung-ho and determined -  and now another whole week has flown by.....and here I am. Practically smack dab in the middle of November, wishing, like Cher, that I could turn back time.

Ah, but the Christmas Dress Challenge update awaits! God - am I even really considered a contender at this point??? I just have to ask.

The past 7 days were not horrendous or anything. I lost just *a spit* under a pound in that time (I'm marking it as a pound because I had underwear and a bra on during weigh in), and I am relatively happy about that. What I am NOT happy about is that I didn't do what I had set out to do last week - and that was to get on my Two Week Turnaround Program so I could once and for all start seeing results. Real results - not the loss and gain of the same 5 pounds I have screwing with since July.
So much for my big mouth and big promises. What I have learned about myself lately is, is that I am awful at keeping commitments to myself. This is a character trait I find both annoying and shameful. It is undoubtedly why I weigh what I weigh, and why week after week the reports on my blog feature the same old shit, just wrapped in a different excuse package.

Speaking of packages, I have been thinking about the upcoming holiday season... a lot....Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New ME! always gives such great advice. She was the one who asked the tough question of "If Not Now, When?" She also advised that I put a plan of action in place for the holidays so that I don't completely go overboard - and I have been dedicating some thought to this, since I am one to literally celebrate the whole season long, as opposed to just for a day or two. Why even as I type this, I have some soft instrumental jazz Christmas music playing in the background. It's already begun...

If I don't watch it, I can get absorbed in all of the holiday hoopla and demands to eat, drink, and be merry and completely forget that there are no pounds to spare - I have ZERO wiggle room in my clothes -  and that all that stuff that I love to eat during the holidays acts as a caloric and fat pandemic on my body.  I NEED to start WANTING TO make my health a priority. Notice the wording there, because I know that it means something differently than just saying I need to make my health a priority. The want has to be there, and with so much failure under my belt, I often wonder if the WANT is what's really missing? These days it seems like everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes before my dedication to weight loss. Yes,  I find myself doing some things that are healthful - but I don't do enough of them to see results. Or, maybe it's that I do too much of the things that are a detriment to my health to see the benefits of any of the good stuff I do. Either way, I need to change it up.

So, yes, this season is going to be tough. But I think I can handle it - IF I act now. And that's really the kicker, isn't it? I know if I started losing a few pounds, I'd want to keep that ball rolling.....but this one or two pounds up and down every other week isn't doing much for my case. I'm much more at the "what's the use?" stage right now than "I know you can do it"....and that isn't good. I have to dig deeper. I have to find that spark I used to have. I feel like I have lost my compass and I have no idea how to get back to that place.

In other news, I'm in the final throes of the semester and I know my lethargy and non-compliance to doing what I should for my weight loss efforts has much to do with burying myself in my school work. Not that it makes it right - but it gives my main issue a name or description anyway. But in less than a month I will be finished with the last of my classes for my master's degree and student teaching will be my "job" come Jan 17. All I know is that I need to get my shit together before then...I cannot go into student teaching feeling/looking/acting/thinking the way I have been as of late. I won't make it. I'll be stressed as it is - I think I might be able to handle myself better if I at least am on a healthier track.

Whew - that is a whole lot of aimless rambling. Sorry, guys.  Hope you are all having a good Monday!

End of year self-portrait? Yeah, this looks to be about right.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Fat in Motion

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like no matter what, you are doomed to live in a fat suit forever? I'm there a matter of fact, I have been there for a while now. Check any recent post of mine and you know that I have not been a successful life-style changer this past year. In a word, my attempts at dieting have SUCKED.

These days I am getting more and more reflective about it. Maybe because we are getting closer and closer to the end of the year and I am realizing (once again) just how much I have failed myself in 2011. I'm turning 40 at the end of December and that alone is enough to make me weep...Turning 40 while still residing in this body is a whole other level of hell.

I also made the mistake (or was it a blessing??) of watching video of myself from the summer and also some footage that was filmed more recently and I barely recognized the person I saw moving around on the screen in front of me. It's weird - I look at myself in the mirror and somehow I justify my appearance. Never mind the fact that my entire wardrobe no longer fits me. Denial baby - it ain't just a river in Egypt. However, a video, for whatever reason, gets my attention. Fat in motion....So. Not. Cool. But seriously? What did I THINK 230 pounds on a 5 foot frame looked like?? Damn, I have been kidding myself big time.

This isn't a get out a box of tissues and cry into my beer type of story....I don't do that anymore. I'm just stating facts because that's all I have. Those that read this blog regularly know I have been to the edge of my fatsanity before. There are no excuses, there are no words of comfort, there are no other bits of advice to get...I simply have to do it, and it must be on my own accord. End of story. The words are so simple to difficult for me to execute. WHY?

I am in desperate need of a jump start - at least this much I know is true. I need a clean sweep to detox my body from Halloween candy and all things carb and sugar-related. My body is letting me know it's so damn ready for this. I dug out my Rodale book - The Two Week Turnaround Diet and I think that just may be the thing I need. Something that is going to get me going again, because ladies, I have STALLED in place and my battery needs some definite charging.

I'm so afraid that if I don't get on it, the scale is just going to keep moving in the wrong direction again.... I'm at 230.5 - up .25 from Wed...yep - that's the wrong direction allright. Frig.

So....not good news report for the challenge update this week, OBVIOUSLY.
I'm not even going to say a word about the week ahead....I'm just going to do my detox and see how it goes. Goodbye carbs, hello veggies. Oh, and exercise. Let's not forget I need to begin an affair with that again too.
I'm sure you all have had a better week than I. Stay strong....I will live vicariously through your willpower!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Snowloween Did Me In...

I know I am two days late and more than a dollar short on my Christmas Dress Challenge Post. I'm still fighting this nasty-ass cold and I'm thinking I may have to actually break down and make a doctor's appointment. This is so not like me - I normally will wait until I see physical signs of lung being hacked out of my mouth before I call a doctor. Well, let's just say we are close to that point.
I tried making some rounds on Monday to post on some people's blogs but still need to hit up a few of you. Never fear - in between blowing my nose and hacking up things that are better left un-described, I will get to them.

So, a quick update for now and I will post again when I feel human - is that a deal?

I am up 1.5 pounds from last week's weigh in. Technically it's 2.5 since I posted mid week last week saying I had been down a pound from my previous weigh in. No matter how you slice it, it ain't pretty. I know what went wrong -  Although I was holding out decently on that Halloween candy last week - that all went to hell in a handbasket over the weekend. We had a party on Saturday where only 3 out of 15 guests showed up due to Mother Nature's nasty Snowloween joke she played on the Northeast this weekend. Let's just say when you make food for 15 people and only 3 show up, you have some serious trouble on your hands. Yeah - basically I had food and desserts out the wazoo and since I'm not one to let my hard earned grocery purchases go to waste, we plowed our way through it over the past few days and now it's residing on my ass. Go figure. I'm the only person that gets sick and yet still wants to eat. Damn it all, you Martha Stewart cheeseball recipe.

All told, we probably had at least a foot of snow - although it was very wet and heavy so who knows the actual total. It sort of sank into itself as it fell - bringing down massive amounts of tree limbs with it. My parents haven't had power since late Saturday afternoon. They expect it to be restored by tomorrow. It has not been the best of weeks.

I'm getting plenty of fluids - it's the one thing that I am sticking with this week! The rest is just a mess but better days are ahead - let's hope.

Hope everyone else is kicking butt....I sure need mine kicked.

You can say that again!