Lost my Compass...

How is it that it is Monday already? I feel like I was just spewing on and on about my claims to better health and detox and all things weight loss related - gung-ho and determined -  and now another whole week has flown by.....and here I am. Practically smack dab in the middle of November, wishing, like Cher, that I could turn back time.

Ah, but the Christmas Dress Challenge update awaits! God - am I even really considered a contender at this point??? I just have to ask.

The past 7 days were not horrendous or anything. I lost just *a spit* under a pound in that time (I'm marking it as a pound because I had underwear and a bra on during weigh in), and I am relatively happy about that. What I am NOT happy about is that I didn't do what I had set out to do last week - and that was to get on my Two Week Turnaround Program so I could once and for all start seeing results. Real results - not the loss and gain of the same 5 pounds I have screwing with since July.
So much for my big mouth and big promises. What I have learned about myself lately is, is that I am awful at keeping commitments to myself. This is a character trait I find both annoying and shameful. It is undoubtedly why I weigh what I weigh, and why week after week the reports on my blog feature the same old shit, just wrapped in a different excuse package.

Speaking of packages, I have been thinking about the upcoming holiday season... a lot....Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New ME! always gives such great advice. She was the one who asked the tough question of "If Not Now, When?" She also advised that I put a plan of action in place for the holidays so that I don't completely go overboard - and I have been dedicating some thought to this, since I am one to literally celebrate the whole season long, as opposed to just for a day or two. Why even as I type this, I have some soft instrumental jazz Christmas music playing in the background. It's already begun...

If I don't watch it, I can get absorbed in all of the holiday hoopla and demands to eat, drink, and be merry and completely forget that there are no pounds to spare - I have ZERO wiggle room in my clothes -  and that all that stuff that I love to eat during the holidays acts as a caloric and fat pandemic on my body.  I NEED to start WANTING TO make my health a priority. Notice the wording there, because I know that it means something differently than just saying I need to make my health a priority. The want has to be there, and with so much failure under my belt, I often wonder if the WANT is what's really missing? These days it seems like everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes before my dedication to weight loss. Yes,  I find myself doing some things that are healthful - but I don't do enough of them to see results. Or, maybe it's that I do too much of the things that are a detriment to my health to see the benefits of any of the good stuff I do. Either way, I need to change it up.


So, yes, this season is going to be tough. But I think I can handle it - IF I act now. And that's really the kicker, isn't it? I know if I started losing a few pounds, I'd want to keep that ball rolling.....but this one or two pounds up and down every other week isn't doing much for my case. I'm much more at the "what's the use?" stage right now than "I know you can do it"....and that isn't good. I have to dig deeper. I have to find that spark I used to have. I feel like I have lost my compass and I have no idea how to get back to that place.

In other news, I'm in the final throes of the semester and I know my lethargy and non-compliance to doing what I should for my weight loss efforts has much to do with burying myself in my school work. Not that it makes it right - but it gives my main issue a name or description anyway. But in less than a month I will be finished with the last of my classes for my master's degree and student teaching will be my "job" come Jan 17. All I know is that I need to get my shit together before then...I cannot go into student teaching feeling/looking/acting/thinking the way I have been as of late. I won't make it. I'll be stressed as it is - I think I might be able to handle myself better if I at least am on a healthier track.

Whew - that is a whole lot of aimless rambling. Sorry, guys.  Hope you are all having a good Monday!

End of year self-portrait? Yeah, this looks to be about right.

Fat in Motion

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like no matter what, you are doomed to live in a fat suit forever? I'm there today....as a matter of fact, I have been there for a while now. Check any recent post of mine and you know that I have not been a successful life-style changer this past year. In a word, my attempts at dieting have SUCKED.

These days I am getting more and more reflective about it. Maybe because we are getting closer and closer to the end of the year and I am realizing (once again) just how much I have failed myself in 2011. I'm turning 40 at the end of December and that alone is enough to make me weep...Turning 40 while still residing in this body is a whole other level of hell.

I also made the mistake (or was it a blessing??) of watching video of myself from the summer and also some footage that was filmed more recently and I barely recognized the person I saw moving around on the screen in front of me. It's weird - I look at myself in the mirror and somehow I justify my appearance. Never mind the fact that my entire wardrobe no longer fits me. Denial baby - it ain't just a river in Egypt. However, a video, for whatever reason, gets my attention. Fat in motion....So. Not. Cool. But seriously? What did I THINK 230 pounds on a 5 foot frame looked like?? Damn, I have been kidding myself big time.

This isn't a get out a box of tissues and cry into my beer type of story....I don't do that anymore. I'm just stating facts because that's all I have. Those that read this blog regularly know I have been to the edge of my fatsanity before. There are no excuses, there are no words of comfort, there are no other bits of advice to get...I simply have to do it, and it must be on my own accord. End of story. The words are so simple to type...so difficult for me to execute. WHY?

I am in desperate need of a jump start - at least this much I know is true. I need a clean sweep to detox my body from Halloween candy and all things carb and sugar-related. My body is letting me know it's so damn ready for this. I dug out my Rodale book - The Two Week Turnaround Diet and I think that just may be the thing I need. Something that is going to get me going again, because ladies, I have STALLED in place and my battery needs some definite charging.

I'm so afraid that if I don't get on it, the scale is just going to keep moving in the wrong direction again.... I'm at 230.5 - up .25 from Wed...yep - that's the wrong direction allright. Frig.

So....not good news report for the challenge update this week, OBVIOUSLY.
I'm not even going to say a word about the week ahead....I'm just going to do my detox and see how it goes. Goodbye carbs, hello veggies. Oh, and exercise. Let's not forget I need to begin an affair with that again too.
I'm sure you all have had a better week than I. Stay strong....I will live vicariously through your willpower!

Snowloween Did Me In...

I know I am two days late and more than a dollar short on my Christmas Dress Challenge Post. I'm still fighting this nasty-ass cold and I'm thinking I may have to actually break down and make a doctor's appointment. This is so not like me - I normally will wait until I see physical signs of lung being hacked out of my mouth before I call a doctor. Well, let's just say we are close to that point.
I tried making some rounds on Monday to post on some people's blogs but still need to hit up a few of you. Never fear - in between blowing my nose and hacking up things that are better left un-described, I will get to them.

So, a quick update for now and I will post again when I feel human - is that a deal?

I am up 1.5 pounds from last week's weigh in. Technically it's 2.5 since I posted mid week last week saying I had been down a pound from my previous weigh in. No matter how you slice it, it ain't pretty. I know what went wrong -  Although I was holding out decently on that Halloween candy last week - that all went to hell in a handbasket over the weekend. We had a party on Saturday where only 3 out of 15 guests showed up due to Mother Nature's nasty Snowloween joke she played on the Northeast this weekend. Let's just say when you make food for 15 people and only 3 show up, you have some serious trouble on your hands. Yeah - basically I had food and desserts out the wazoo and since I'm not one to let my hard earned grocery purchases go to waste, we plowed our way through it over the past few days and now it's residing on my ass. Go figure. I'm the only person that gets sick and yet still wants to eat. Damn it all, you Martha Stewart cheeseball recipe.

All told, we probably had at least a foot of snow - although it was very wet and heavy so who knows the actual total. It sort of sank into itself as it fell - bringing down massive amounts of tree limbs with it. My parents haven't had power since late Saturday afternoon. They expect it to be restored by tomorrow. It has not been the best of weeks.

I'm getting plenty of fluids - it's the one thing that I am sticking with this week! The rest is just a mess but better days are ahead - let's hope.

Hope everyone else is kicking butt....I sure need mine kicked.

You can say that again!

Waging Wars Against Sickness & Candy....The Low-down

I realized I have been pretty lazy in my blogging lately...there's lots going on here but that's no excuse not to check in mid-week and update everyone as to what is going on in my world. Because I know you're just dying to know.....right? No? Well, I'm gonna share anyway....


The big headline of the day is that I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I've got a wonderful cold that is slowly moving it's way from nose to throat to chest...I've already got laryngitis, and I anticipate this will soon result in that horrible death rattle cough - you know the one I am talking about. It's what inspired those Mucinex commercials. I'm sure of it.

Yeah, I'd say this jackass has definitely worn out his welcome.

Sunday was the last day I felt somewhat human. I barely have a voice and my nose is running constantly. In short, Good Times. Ha - Not.


In other news, the Halloween candy needs to be hidden. NOW. I am not sure how much more willpower I have to resist it. As a matter of fact, (honesty alert! honesty alert!) yesterday, I didn't. Me and the Reeses Peanut Butter cups had a face-off yesterday and I lost. Halloween candy - 1, Rochelle - 0.
I feel stronger today and my sugar craving has been subsided, but I am still upset that I couldn't hold out this year. I thought I might be able to do - but....nope.
It wasn't the type of candy carnage that has occurred in years past - but I did eat 2 of them, and admittedly wanted more. It's apparent that I still don't have the Sugar Demon beat and I am not sure that I ever will.

There is a happy twist to this story, even with my candy digression. This week I have been eating noticeably less. I guess it's the sickness, but honestly, I still have an appetite - so it's not that I am just avoiding eating because I have no desire to. Maybe being busy counts for something....we are having a Halloween party here on Saturday and we have been prepping the house this week and getting ready - ie: decorating ( I have a whole cleaning workout that is going to happen today too - hours of calorie burn ahead indeed!). Plus I have had a few projects due for school that have consumed my time. Either way, my mind has been less on eating, and more on getting other crap done. This is a good thing because there have been so many times when the opposite was true.

When i hopped on the scale this AM, it read 227.75 - down a pound from my last weigh in. Again, I have no real exercise to thank - just less calories (minus the Reeses). It's funny though - I am extremely  motivated to keep the downward trend going now that I have seen a bit of movement on the scale. It makes me all the more aware of the choices I am making throughout the day. I think it's safe to say, I won't be having any show-downs with the Halloween candy today.

And just because it's almost Halloween, I'll leave you with a little non-caloric eye-candy. I don't know if I have ever expressed just how much we get into it around here.....but I LOVE it. Last night we walked in our town parade (those are the witch and Hamburglar pics)....the other pics are from last year's trick or treat night.

Enjoy!

Channeling Anna Wintour for trick or treat at my friend's house last year.

My husband, The Hamburglar!

I do ugly just a little too well....

Who doesn't enjoy a little Mailman Stew?

Trick or Treat night at our place last year. I may have made a kid or two cry....

Spookiest house on the block...

My hubs and I make a good team - I design and he executes with power tools! May I present, the Martha Witch!

Christmas Dress Challenge - Week 5 Update

If meeting my Christmas Dress Challenge goals was the determinant of whether I received beautifully wrapped presents under my tree or a filthy bucket of coal for Christmas, I am pretty sure I'd be receiving the latter. I swear every time I say I am going to kick butt, something else always ends up kicking my butt.

Not that this week was any kind of epic fail, mind you.  I did manage to lose .25 pounds - by the mere grace of God, and nothing else, I can assure you. This week was busy for me and busy always means pushing all the things I know I should be doing to the "weigh" side, so to speak. Hence the minimal loss, lackluster attitude and general feeling of disconnect I have this week with my weight loss goals.
I know, I know - a loss is a loss, no matter how small. I say the same thing to others when they are unhappy about the barely-there movement on the scale. I know down is better than up. Loss is better than gain. Less chub is better than more chub. You get the idea.

And really, I should be jumping for major joy because I feel like I didn't do anything to really "earn" that quarter of a pound. All I can think of is that it must be some sort of bonus the Fat Fairies are throwing me for not strapping the humongous bag of Halloween candy to my face like a feedbag the second my husband brought it through the front door.

Allow me to recap the week and all it's unimpressive glory: First off,  I barely exercised - as in, I only took two walks this week (about 50 mins each), not to mention my water consumption was subpar at best (my body is feeling this especially), and sweat was definitely not part of my vocabulary this week. Maybe my portions were a smidgen smaller? Who knows. Whatever the case may be for dropping, I'll take it. One stinking quarter pound at a time if I have to.

I am very much hoping for a better week this week but I have this nagging cold that took hold of me yesterday that is making me feel like I'm paying for something horrendous I did in a past life. Working out isn't on my mind - but sleep sure is. I'd be sleeping right now if I could. Unfortunately I have class tonight so there goes that idea. Pffft. Like air out of a balloon, I tell ya.

I hope everyone else is having a better week. I may not get to my commenting on everyone's blogs until tomorrow, but I will get there eventually.
We have about 9 weeks until Christmas, right? I'm thinking forget about Miracle on 34th Street - I need a miracle right here.

Dear Santa, won't you please bring me a smaller ass for  Christmas?

Cup Half Full vs. Cup Half Empty - Challenge Update Week 4

If I'm the type of person that looks at the cup as being half full, then this has been an amazing week for weight loss for me. I shed 3.25 pounds, which is the most I have dropped in a week in what feels like forfreakingever. However...if I'm a cup half empty type of gal (and I think I might be today), this really isn't all that impressive considering the 3.25 pound loss leaves me at 229 pounds which IS THE SAME WEIGHT I WAS AT ON JULY 29  (and various days in September as well)!!!!! So basically I have been up and down the scale flirting with this number for MONTHS.

Hey, I'm happy the anniversary weekend weight is bidding me adieu - make no mistake. I just know that the loss this week is simply one more time I am losing weight I already lost over the past few months. It's so very, very annoying to say the least.

The one thing that IS good about it, is that the loss has mentally given me another boost of hope that this whole thing is not for naught. It proves that I do know what to do - and what not to do. I'm not saying I met my goals in every way - but I made an effort and it paid off. Having the realization this week as to what works has provided me with a bit of a conundrum however, and I don't know how I can continue doing it because it basically involves my husband being away on a business trip, until I reach my goal weight....it appears I eat far less when he isn't home than I do when he is here.
Does anyone else have this issue?

For some reason I was perfectly content having an apple and a piece of cheese for dinner when he was away, but when he is home, suddenly I need to eat half a chicken and a pile of roasted potatoes????? What gives?

I actually hate when my husband travels so this "diet" simply won't do. Looks like Plan B is in order - which is actually stick with meeting my goals. How genius! Thankfully this is, once again, a new week and a new chance to get it right.

This week I definitely need to be extremely mindful of portions (the biggest issue I have when eating with my husband) and get my water in. That is something I have been really bad about and I know it makes all the difference in the world. Exercise wise, I am not being too much of a slug, but again, there is room for vast improvement. I need to stop letting my damn school work consume my days. Somehow I must master the work smarter, not harder method of doing my school work.

I've also decided that going forward, I am not going to blog or comment on others blogs unless I have worked out. That alone may be the ticket since I do enjoy getting on here and sharing what is going on in my world and hearing about what is going on in yours.
So here's to another week....let's see if I can kiss this 229 goodbye for good.

Yet Another Reason To Hate Being Fat: Shoe Shopping

I had the most miserable shopping experience the other day...

It occurred to me that it's now the middle of October, and the temperatures will be dropping into the 50's and 40's sooner than I care to admit.  Transitional seasons confuse my fashion sense at times. For example, I struggle with letting go of my white pants on a 89 degree September day just because the calendar says I should. And I'm never quite sure just how long I can milk the wearing of my knee high leather boots in the springtime. Something tells me by Memorial Day, I've already over-extended myself on wearing those by a good couple of months or so.  Right now I'm a little worried that my flip flops aren't exactly the best form of footwear to pair with my winter coat and scarf this year...and there in lies the problem, my friends.

I need to find some closed-toe shoes - stat.

I'll be the first to admit I'd spend all year in flip flops if I thought it was socially acceptable. I have come to find out it's not - so now I have to go and find shoes that not only fit my hideous fat Fred Flintstone feet, but have some semblance of style that is not associated with a 87 year old woman who suffers from severe hammer toes, watermelon sized bunions and gnarly crusty corns. In other words, I am trying to avoid buying shoes that look like this:

Let's just say I'm not ready to go all "orthopedic granny" on my footwear just yet.....but my feet probably wish I would. While I may not suffer from bunions, hammer toes or corns, I do have a horribly high instep that leaves many, many, MANY shoe styles on the "go ahead and look but don't even think about wearing" list. Basically it boils down to this: if I like a shoe style-wise, it is probably going to be a huge old Hell No for my feet. Because of my extremely high instep (and let's face it, the extra fat on my feet) I get this odd mini-muffin top thing happening on my foot when I try on shoes that are cut a certain way. It's like the shoe digs into my foot the way a belt would dig into your middle if you made it too tight, causing your belly to pour out over the top of your pants. Use your best mental imaging skills to picture my foot kind of bulging over the top of the shoe if it is cut anywhere in the center of my instep, or close to my toe cleavage. Never mind the fact that I also have WIDE feet (but of course) that just adds to this already 'shitty on it's own' issue.  It's getting harder and harder to find any shoes that I can jam these sausage hooves into that won't result in me being crippled after 20 minutes. Keep in mind the mental trauma I have from all of this - I used to work in the fashion industry and spent years practicing the "fashion before comfort" rule. Once upon a time I used to LIVE in 4" platform heels. These days, uh...not so much.

Anyway, I digress.  After my realization that flips flops are really not the new black of cold weather footwear, I ventured out to DSW to do a little shopping. It's boot season ladies, and I don't know about you, but if you have wide calves, as I do, boot shopping is the ultimate bitch.
Not ONLY do I feel like are my calves wider than the Hoover Dam BUT I have short legs to boot (no pun intended) so the whole proportion thing is off, too...wide calf boots usually hit me at a weird place making the widest part of the opening up by my knee. So that wide part meant to accommodate a wide calf? Maybe that works on someone taller than 5'....but that person isn't me. I have found a few pairs to sort of work - usually they involve some type of stretch material, and a whole lot of sweating and cursing while putting them on.

But finding real honest to goodness normal shoes is still a huge issue....I can't help but wonder if losing weight will help my feet get back into fashion too? It's just one more thing to hate about being fat....(and the list goes on).

So with all of this said, it's probably a good thing that last week's gain is starting to disappear. As of yesterday I was back at 229, so that is a loss of 3.25 pounds since Monday.....
Hey, if it gets me back in some cute shoes, I'm damn near willing to do anything!