Lost my Compass...

How is it that it is Monday already? I feel like I was just spewing on and on about my claims to better health and detox and all things weight loss related - gung-ho and determined -  and now another whole week has flown by.....and here I am. Practically smack dab in the middle of November, wishing, like Cher, that I could turn back time.

Ah, but the Christmas Dress Challenge update awaits! God - am I even really considered a contender at this point??? I just have to ask.

The past 7 days were not horrendous or anything. I lost just *a spit* under a pound in that time (I'm marking it as a pound because I had underwear and a bra on during weigh in), and I am relatively happy about that. What I am NOT happy about is that I didn't do what I had set out to do last week - and that was to get on my Two Week Turnaround Program so I could once and for all start seeing results. Real results - not the loss and gain of the same 5 pounds I have screwing with since July.
So much for my big mouth and big promises. What I have learned about myself lately is, is that I am awful at keeping commitments to myself. This is a character trait I find both annoying and shameful. It is undoubtedly why I weigh what I weigh, and why week after week the reports on my blog feature the same old shit, just wrapped in a different excuse package.

Speaking of packages, I have been thinking about the upcoming holiday season... a lot....Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New ME! always gives such great advice. She was the one who asked the tough question of "If Not Now, When?" She also advised that I put a plan of action in place for the holidays so that I don't completely go overboard - and I have been dedicating some thought to this, since I am one to literally celebrate the whole season long, as opposed to just for a day or two. Why even as I type this, I have some soft instrumental jazz Christmas music playing in the background. It's already begun...

If I don't watch it, I can get absorbed in all of the holiday hoopla and demands to eat, drink, and be merry and completely forget that there are no pounds to spare - I have ZERO wiggle room in my clothes -  and that all that stuff that I love to eat during the holidays acts as a caloric and fat pandemic on my body.  I NEED to start WANTING TO make my health a priority. Notice the wording there, because I know that it means something differently than just saying I need to make my health a priority. The want has to be there, and with so much failure under my belt, I often wonder if the WANT is what's really missing? These days it seems like everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes before my dedication to weight loss. Yes,  I find myself doing some things that are healthful - but I don't do enough of them to see results. Or, maybe it's that I do too much of the things that are a detriment to my health to see the benefits of any of the good stuff I do. Either way, I need to change it up.


So, yes, this season is going to be tough. But I think I can handle it - IF I act now. And that's really the kicker, isn't it? I know if I started losing a few pounds, I'd want to keep that ball rolling.....but this one or two pounds up and down every other week isn't doing much for my case. I'm much more at the "what's the use?" stage right now than "I know you can do it"....and that isn't good. I have to dig deeper. I have to find that spark I used to have. I feel like I have lost my compass and I have no idea how to get back to that place.

In other news, I'm in the final throes of the semester and I know my lethargy and non-compliance to doing what I should for my weight loss efforts has much to do with burying myself in my school work. Not that it makes it right - but it gives my main issue a name or description anyway. But in less than a month I will be finished with the last of my classes for my master's degree and student teaching will be my "job" come Jan 17. All I know is that I need to get my shit together before then...I cannot go into student teaching feeling/looking/acting/thinking the way I have been as of late. I won't make it. I'll be stressed as it is - I think I might be able to handle myself better if I at least am on a healthier track.

Whew - that is a whole lot of aimless rambling. Sorry, guys.  Hope you are all having a good Monday!

End of year self-portrait? Yeah, this looks to be about right.

Fat in Motion

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like no matter what, you are doomed to live in a fat suit forever? I'm there today....as a matter of fact, I have been there for a while now. Check any recent post of mine and you know that I have not been a successful life-style changer this past year. In a word, my attempts at dieting have SUCKED.

These days I am getting more and more reflective about it. Maybe because we are getting closer and closer to the end of the year and I am realizing (once again) just how much I have failed myself in 2011. I'm turning 40 at the end of December and that alone is enough to make me weep...Turning 40 while still residing in this body is a whole other level of hell.

I also made the mistake (or was it a blessing??) of watching video of myself from the summer and also some footage that was filmed more recently and I barely recognized the person I saw moving around on the screen in front of me. It's weird - I look at myself in the mirror and somehow I justify my appearance. Never mind the fact that my entire wardrobe no longer fits me. Denial baby - it ain't just a river in Egypt. However, a video, for whatever reason, gets my attention. Fat in motion....So. Not. Cool. But seriously? What did I THINK 230 pounds on a 5 foot frame looked like?? Damn, I have been kidding myself big time.

This isn't a get out a box of tissues and cry into my beer type of story....I don't do that anymore. I'm just stating facts because that's all I have. Those that read this blog regularly know I have been to the edge of my fatsanity before. There are no excuses, there are no words of comfort, there are no other bits of advice to get...I simply have to do it, and it must be on my own accord. End of story. The words are so simple to type...so difficult for me to execute. WHY?

I am in desperate need of a jump start - at least this much I know is true. I need a clean sweep to detox my body from Halloween candy and all things carb and sugar-related. My body is letting me know it's so damn ready for this. I dug out my Rodale book - The Two Week Turnaround Diet and I think that just may be the thing I need. Something that is going to get me going again, because ladies, I have STALLED in place and my battery needs some definite charging.

I'm so afraid that if I don't get on it, the scale is just going to keep moving in the wrong direction again.... I'm at 230.5 - up .25 from Wed...yep - that's the wrong direction allright. Frig.

So....not good news report for the challenge update this week, OBVIOUSLY.
I'm not even going to say a word about the week ahead....I'm just going to do my detox and see how it goes. Goodbye carbs, hello veggies. Oh, and exercise. Let's not forget I need to begin an affair with that again too.
I'm sure you all have had a better week than I. Stay strong....I will live vicariously through your willpower!

Christmas Dress Challenge - Week 5 Update

If meeting my Christmas Dress Challenge goals was the determinant of whether I received beautifully wrapped presents under my tree or a filthy bucket of coal for Christmas, I am pretty sure I'd be receiving the latter. I swear every time I say I am going to kick butt, something else always ends up kicking my butt.

Not that this week was any kind of epic fail, mind you.  I did manage to lose .25 pounds - by the mere grace of God, and nothing else, I can assure you. This week was busy for me and busy always means pushing all the things I know I should be doing to the "weigh" side, so to speak. Hence the minimal loss, lackluster attitude and general feeling of disconnect I have this week with my weight loss goals.
I know, I know - a loss is a loss, no matter how small. I say the same thing to others when they are unhappy about the barely-there movement on the scale. I know down is better than up. Loss is better than gain. Less chub is better than more chub. You get the idea.

And really, I should be jumping for major joy because I feel like I didn't do anything to really "earn" that quarter of a pound. All I can think of is that it must be some sort of bonus the Fat Fairies are throwing me for not strapping the humongous bag of Halloween candy to my face like a feedbag the second my husband brought it through the front door.

Allow me to recap the week and all it's unimpressive glory: First off,  I barely exercised - as in, I only took two walks this week (about 50 mins each), not to mention my water consumption was subpar at best (my body is feeling this especially), and sweat was definitely not part of my vocabulary this week. Maybe my portions were a smidgen smaller? Who knows. Whatever the case may be for dropping, I'll take it. One stinking quarter pound at a time if I have to.

I am very much hoping for a better week this week but I have this nagging cold that took hold of me yesterday that is making me feel like I'm paying for something horrendous I did in a past life. Working out isn't on my mind - but sleep sure is. I'd be sleeping right now if I could. Unfortunately I have class tonight so there goes that idea. Pffft. Like air out of a balloon, I tell ya.

I hope everyone else is having a better week. I may not get to my commenting on everyone's blogs until tomorrow, but I will get there eventually.
We have about 9 weeks until Christmas, right? I'm thinking forget about Miracle on 34th Street - I need a miracle right here.

Dear Santa, won't you please bring me a smaller ass for  Christmas?

Cup Half Full vs. Cup Half Empty - Challenge Update Week 4

If I'm the type of person that looks at the cup as being half full, then this has been an amazing week for weight loss for me. I shed 3.25 pounds, which is the most I have dropped in a week in what feels like forfreakingever. However...if I'm a cup half empty type of gal (and I think I might be today), this really isn't all that impressive considering the 3.25 pound loss leaves me at 229 pounds which IS THE SAME WEIGHT I WAS AT ON JULY 29  (and various days in September as well)!!!!! So basically I have been up and down the scale flirting with this number for MONTHS.

Hey, I'm happy the anniversary weekend weight is bidding me adieu - make no mistake. I just know that the loss this week is simply one more time I am losing weight I already lost over the past few months. It's so very, very annoying to say the least.

The one thing that IS good about it, is that the loss has mentally given me another boost of hope that this whole thing is not for naught. It proves that I do know what to do - and what not to do. I'm not saying I met my goals in every way - but I made an effort and it paid off. Having the realization this week as to what works has provided me with a bit of a conundrum however, and I don't know how I can continue doing it because it basically involves my husband being away on a business trip, until I reach my goal weight....it appears I eat far less when he isn't home than I do when he is here.
Does anyone else have this issue?

For some reason I was perfectly content having an apple and a piece of cheese for dinner when he was away, but when he is home, suddenly I need to eat half a chicken and a pile of roasted potatoes????? What gives?

I actually hate when my husband travels so this "diet" simply won't do. Looks like Plan B is in order - which is actually stick with meeting my goals. How genius! Thankfully this is, once again, a new week and a new chance to get it right.

This week I definitely need to be extremely mindful of portions (the biggest issue I have when eating with my husband) and get my water in. That is something I have been really bad about and I know it makes all the difference in the world. Exercise wise, I am not being too much of a slug, but again, there is room for vast improvement. I need to stop letting my damn school work consume my days. Somehow I must master the work smarter, not harder method of doing my school work.

I've also decided that going forward, I am not going to blog or comment on others blogs unless I have worked out. That alone may be the ticket since I do enjoy getting on here and sharing what is going on in my world and hearing about what is going on in yours.
So here's to another week....let's see if I can kiss this 229 goodbye for good.

Christmas Dress Challenge Update - Week 2

Hello....I know it's been a while!
It's been a hectic week that has left little time for blogging. Sorry if I have been MIA in commenting. I will get better! This week just did not lend itself for much computer time if it wasn't related to school work. On top of regular classes, I have begun my last 30 hours of classroom observation. It's thrown a little bit of a monkey wrench into my morning routine but at least I find that I eat less than when I am super busy and away from the house.
Other than Fri and yesterday, eating was relatively good - and I even managed to get my 5 days of exercise in - although it was only 4 days of the Shred and one day of cleaning the house - but I cleaned for several hours (can you guess that my in-laws were coming over?) and I was literally sweating like a pig so I am counting that as exercise!
It may have been hard work but you know what? My house damn near sparkles!!!
So....as for the Christmas Dress challenge, it would appear I am not setting the world on fire per se, but I am at least happy to report a one pound loss this week!
Thank God for small favors, I say!
It's amazing that on a week where I feel like I am not doing that great, I show a loss. Can someone explain that to me? This weight loss thing sometimes confuses the hell out of me. The only thing I can think of is that by being in school, my calorie intake was significantly less for a couple of days. 
I weighed in this AM as opposed to doing it on Friday and even after a dinner last evening that included filet mignon and some birthday cake, I was still showing a loss.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. I'll take it anyway I can get it!
Water consumption this week was not that great and that is because while I am in the classroom, I cannot run to the bathroom every 15 minutes. I basically have a break in the AM before the kids get there, a short break at lunch and then nothing until the end of the school day. I just don't feel comfortable running out to the bathroom so much so my hydration suffered and I could really feel it in my body. I need to get back on that today, but I am in class again tomorrow so that will throw me off once again.
Also, just to update you on the WW tracking points progress - I have opted not to do that anymore. I like the My Fitness Pal and Calorie Count websites to help me track my foods. It seems to be helping me more than calculating points so I'm sticking with those for now...
That's really about it! I am so busy again this week but my husband and I are headed to the Delaware beaches this weekend to celebrate out 1st wedding anniversary (Oct 9). I am so excited!
Hope everyone else is having a great start to their week. I am trying to get to everyone's blogs but if you don't see my comment today, I will get to you on Wed (tomorrow I have observation all day and then class until 9:45 PM).
I think I may pass out when I get home tomorrow, so that's why I'm not making any promises for posts or comments tomorrow.
Until next time....

Derailed

Ugh....is it Monday already?????
It's been a doozie of a weekend, folks. And I don't mean in a good way....or maybe I just mean, not in a good way for weight loss. More on that later....

I know I've been missing from my blog for a few days and that's because if I WAS sitting at my computer these past few days, it was for the sole purpose of doing homework. I had a paper and lesson plan to tackle and so if anything at all was going to get typed by these little sausage fingers, I felt those two things took precedence. I still have some tweaking to do on both projects before I go to class this evening, but decided to first spend a couple of minutes playing catch up in Blogland.

So, Monday is the Christmas Dress Challenge Update Day where we share our (a-hem) progress....
What can I tell you other than I continue to struggle daily with weight loss. Something in my head has not clicked the way it is supposed to. I don't know if this is because it's the umpteenth million time I have tried to do this, or if I just am focused on other things right now. What I do know is that my heart and soul has not been 100% into the game. And that is just the truth. I continue to write about it and keep this blog because I feel it helps me in some respect, but part of me has to ask, "What's it all for if you aren't going to commit yourself fully???? People do not want to hear about your failed attempts."

I was on a kick-ass streak with the 30 Day Shred but it has been three, yes THREE days since I have done the workout. I know when I go to do it today (and I will), it will feel like Day 1. But I am going to do it!

Although I have not Shredded for 3 days, I have taken walks with my husband and the dogs (usually close to 60 min a pop) - so I have not been a sloth on the couch all weekend either. Water consumption (64 oz) was on track until yesterday....I only got in about half of that. (And thanks to everyone commenting about the pee thing, by the way! Who knew it was such a popular topic?? Ha!).

The real trouble I am having is with tracking food....it is the thing I need to be MOST accountable for, and yet, it is really where I hit a wall. I thought that hopping back on the WW train was the way to go, but I am not so sure now. Each day as I lose track of what I eat, I feel like a huge failure.  I have always faltered when I had to write down absolutely everything I eat....Yeah, you read this correctly, and so many of you are probably ready to slap me through your computer screen while screaming, "Duh!!!" I realize what I just wrote is the dieter's #1 golden rule. Know exactly what you are putting in your mouth and how much it's going to "cost you." Here is where I should be having that "A-ha", or as I like to call it, "No Shit!" Moment where I say to myself - "Well, this is why you haven't lost any weight! You MUST be held accountable for what you eat." And I know this....really, I do.

So, my question today is this: For those of you that are religious about tracking your food - do you count calories or do WW points? Tell me what you like best about your method of keeping your food portions/intake "in check" and how you approach this each day.


My problem isn't necessarily that I don't know how to do these things....it's simply that I am doing them a bit half assed at the moment and it shows in the lack of weight loss I have had for months now. This past Friday (which is technically my official weigh day), the scale didn't budge from last week (holding steady at 229.25), despite my commitment to the Shred. So on Friday, I think I weighed in, got frustrated, wallowed a bit and then went off the rails....completely. There may or may not have been alcohol and Oreos involved.

What amazes me is how I can fall so quickly. I can be a powerhouse for days, feeling great, working hard at keeping things on the up and up - and then BOOM. I get lazy, and let things slide. Again, I know this is no way to conduct myself or handle this beast within.....I feel like for the past few days I have let "it" get the best of me, and I don't know why. Every time this happens (you get that this is not an uncommon occurrance, right?), it's like I am saying to the universe I really don't give a rat's ass about myself. And while I know in my heart of hearts that's not true, the actions say otherwise.

So that's what has been going on with me these past few days (aren't you glad you asked?).....just here fighting some familiar demons and hoping that eventually I will find my way back to a better mind set - because this one??? Totally not working for me.

Christmas Dress Challenge - Goals & Dresses

Ok, I realize I am just getting my post in for the Christmas Dress Challenge by the skin of my teeth, but I'm here and I have my info and pics, as promised.

I have given some serious thought to goals and what I'd like to accomplish in the next three months and how I am going to achieve these changes. Because this challenge runs simultaneously with the 30 Day Shred Challenge (until mid Oct) I am combining some of my goals I set for that along with this challenge.

I like the fact that this particular challenge is 3 months long, taking us through what I consider to be the hardest time of the year for weight loss. It's what I call the Triple Threat and it starts with Halloween, which will be here before we all know it. Boo, indeed!

Ok, so here are the dresses:

Looks so much better on the hangar than hanging on my body.

 This dress I bought last year in Oct as a possible rehearsal dinner dress but didn't end up wearing it. I thought I could wear it for our honeymoon in Dec, but by then I didn't feel comfortable in it. Rest assured, it's not a maternity dress, but it sure as hell looks like one on me (see pic below). The goal here is to wear this dress without someone asking me when I'm due.
It is size 16W. I'm currently riding the 1X, 18W or 18/20W train depending on the style/cut.

As a matter of fact, no, I'm not expecting. But thanks for asking.

The next dress I selected I have had in my closet for a few years. It's an XL (probably not accurate sizing but that's the manufacturer's fault, not mine) and I have always envisioned myself wearing this with some sexy knee-high patent leather boots. I bought it when I was probably close to 205 - 210 pounds but it never really fit that well. I thought with the magic of Spanx it would look OK, but my confidence must have taken a nose dive because I never wore it. I don't think that by Dec 18 this dress is going to look perfect on me by a long shot, but the goal for this dress isn't to have it fit perfect, but more so to have some of my body lumps and bumps smoothed out so the design doesn't look so ripply. I'm sure I'll continue to work on the "wearability" of this dress long after the challenge is over.

Goal: Make those lines on the waist STRAIGHT!

As for the meaty goals for this challenge, here they are:

1) I have made a BIG decision to do WW online and try tracking points (again). This is not something I had originally planned but after some heavy consideration, I am going to give it 3 solid months of effort and see if it gives me some decent results. I need accountability. Desperately.

2) I also will make sure to get in 30 minutes of exercise in 5 days a week. In one little secret corner of my brain, I am hoping for 7 days a week but this may be difficult and I want to make sure I am setting realistic goals. Let's face it, sometimes life gets in the way.

3) I will drink 64 oz of water a day. I have been BAD with getting in my H2O, so this is something I really want to do! 

4) Weight loss goal - 20 lbs. Enough said.

My measurements can be found on my 30 Day Shred page. They were just taken a few days ago, so I consider them valid for this challenge as well. More than likely, I'll post weekly weigh ins and monthly measurement updates.

That's about it for now....

Hope we all end up on Santa's Nice list by sticking to our goals this year!

Merry Challenge Everyone!

If You're Shredding And You Know It, Clap Your Hands!

Hello friends!

It's a lovely sunny Sunday afternoon here in NJ and I've got some Coconut Curry Butternut Squash Soup from  Skinnytaste.com simmering on the stove and have sent my hubby off to the grocery store for a whole chicken I plan to roast to compliment the soup and roasted balsamic cauliflower already planned for dinner. Rachellabelle at My Hips Don't Lie had posted the yummy sounding soup recipe a short while ago on her blog, and I immediately snagged it and printed it so I could make it once some cooler temps kicked in here. Well, the temperatures sort of cooperated, although it's not quite as brisk a day as originally planned for eating this kind of (healthy) comfort food - but, no matter, I'm making that soup anyway!

For those of you that have never visited skinnytaste.com, you really need to. Sooner rather than later! I'm not trying to go all 'high school peer pressure' on you or anything, but trust me, when you are having your first foodgasm over one of her recipes, you'll know what I am talking about. This website is awesome, especially if you are following Weight Watchers because Gina (the culinary goddess behind the recipes) has done all the hard work for you. Everything has been calculated out in both the old points system, as well as the new points plus system. Hey, I bet Jennifer Hudson is a fan! I personally am not doing WW, but sometimes I think I should, just because this website makes it so damn easy - no guesswork! :-) I like that.

So - you know I am not doing WW, but can I tell you about what I am doing? For starters, I'm still kicking ass and taking names with the 30 Day Shred Challenge. It's Day 10 for me!!!
Yeah - get up off the floor - I'm just as surprised as you are that I have stuck with this.

And not only have a I stuck with it - but I am beginning to (gulp)... even like it....a little. My biggest *holy shit* moment was yesterday when my commitment to this thing became glaringly apparent.  I opted for getting up early and getting in my workout before I had to leave to take my Praxis Exam, over sleeping in.  I chose to set my alarm for 6:00 on a Saturday and sweat via exercise before I had to sweat through taking my exam...(BTW - I think I did OK on the test, but I won't get my score back for 4 weeks - so stay tuned). Since most of you guys only know me through the blogosphere, you may not grasp the importance of this NSV - but sadly - this is not something I would have ever imagined I would have done in the past - and we are talking the relatively recent past. In the untimely words of the United States Vice President Joe Biden, "This is a big f*cking deal." (I posted the link of our VP's verbal faux pas here if you have never seen it). Better yet, I kept the promise to myself that I would get some additional exercise in, beyond the Shred, to kick up the calorie burn. Granted, the other exercise (an hour walk with my hubs and the dogs) was done in the early evening, long after the Shred was completed, but I got it done nonetheless.

This morning when I got up, it was my husband's turn to surprise me when he said he wanted to join me in doing the Shred. He had just returned from a mile run (he's easing back into running after going through a year long issue with an broken ankle that didn't heal properly) so I was impressed that he even entertaining the idea. Usually I am not a "share my workout with others" type of person. I like to work out alone. When I used to go to the gym in NY, I never wanted to talk to anybody while I was there. My thinking was this: I had one purpose for me being there and that was to grunt, sweat like a wild boar in heat, and look about as unattractive as possible while making my body do things it was uncomfortable doing - I was not there to make friends. But since my husband has already seen me at my best and worst, I made a concession and allowed him to join me, Jillian and her 2 workout cronies for our daily shred. I figured at the very least he'd get a real kick out of watching my boobs hit my eyebrows as I did the jumping jack segment. Isn't that every guy's biggest fantasy? Uh, Not.

Well, today the crazy workout junkie in me emerged. I really kicked it into high gear. Maybe it was the show off in me, maybe it was because I really feel like I want to up my game - but either way, I really made my body work today under Jillian's command. I started to incorporate some real push ups into the work out instead of just the girly ones (5 total today!!) and I only took ONE 3 second break. I did *real* jumping jacks the whole time but am still modifying the jump rope move slightly ( I sort of jog in place now). All in all, I feel some good progress being made which is encouraging. It also felt good to know the workout kicked my husband's ass too, so I think he may have gained a whole new appreciation for me taking on this challenge. After finishing the Shred, we went on another hour and 10 minute walk. It feels so great not breaking that promise to myself to get in the extra exercise. I have done that kind of promise-breaking self-sabotage crap so often that I am trained to think it's the norm. It's what I have come to expect of myself. But these past 2 weeks have taught me that I CAN stick with something - and the expectations I set for myself should be so much higher.

That's about it for today. Goals met! Happy with my progress! Content with this new way of thinking! I'm trying to get the eating thing under control too (and I definitely need to start drinking more water)....maybe I shouldn't be so cavalier with dismissing the WW idea....I know so many people that are rocking it right now. Could I? Should I?

Tomorrow I will post about my goals for the Christmas Dress Challenge being hosted by Thursday's Child. I have to dig out my dress, take a pic, see how badly it doesn't fit, and think a little bit more about the goals I want to set for this challenge.
I'm feeling unstoppable today....Damn, I hope it lasts!