Rebooting My System

For anyone who has ever been on a major exercise kick, only to kick it to the curb for a few months and then try to get back to it, you know how much it can bite the big one. This is where I am right now, and as I take breaks from typing this post to wipe the sweat off of my neck from the workout I literally just finished, I can honestly say I have very strong feelings about this part of getting back in the weight-loss saddle. These feelings may or may not involve lots of cursing under my breath.

30 minutes, 3 miles and 333.7 calories burned on the elliptical today. *small cheer for me*
I'd say that covers the oatmeal and raisins I had for breakfast this morning, if not the real half and half I still put in my coffee (and make no apologies for it). :-)

Hate may be too strong of a word for how I feel about getting back into the exercise routine after abandoning it what seems like eons ago. It's kind of a Catch-22 in some ways, because while I am not a fan of feeling like a whale in motion, I do, in some respects, feel very empowered with each rotation of the elliptical pedals. At the very least I know that I am doing something good for myself, even if I don't enjoy it the way I feel like I should. I know this feeling will change over time, as long as I stick with it. Right now I realize what I am experiencing are the growing pains, so to speak, of  adapting to this new life style (once again). It's like my body is being rebooted after a major system breakdown. I'm no stranger to this feeling - I just need to suck it up, stay consistent and in time, exercise will again become a friend to which I look forward to dedicating my time. Was it really summertime when I was doing Jillian? What the hell happened from then to now?

Nevermind all that  - bygones, I say. 2012 means looking forward, not backwards. I cannot change the past, but I can change the future. We have all heard this a million times and yet still,  the words carry such important meaning. As I sat this morning with my coffee, playing Words With Friends (if you're not yet addicted, good for you!), I thought about hopping in the shower and heading to the mall to spend a few gift cards I received for Christmas. I need a whole new wardrobe for students teaching (that's a whole other post) and nothing burns a hole in my pocket faster than "free money" to spend. But in a moment of divine intervention, or maybe it was just the roll of belly fat I spied as I looked down to plug in my computer, I decided today is the day I am going to start moving again. I'm doing Ok with food, and feel better about choices related to eating and calorie reduction - but it's the damn calorie burn that is the big challenge.

I can't tell you how many times a day, the words of  Michelle at Ruminations rings in my head - "It's not rocket science. Move more, eat less." She is so right. It's a simple formula, but one that needs to be driven by true desire, not mere want. Do I desire this - more than anything? Yes, I believe that I do. I am past the point of simply wanting to be thin, for the sake of being thin. That was my mojo in my twenties, and yes, even my thirties. But for god's sake, I just turned 40. There is no more screwing around. As my husband joked, we are "real grown ups now." Time to start acting like one - at least where my health is concerned.  At least I'll always be a kid at heart.

I know I said no New Year's Resolutions, but these cats have the right idea...

In Search of a New Year, not a Blue Year

Does anyone else feel that January slump after the holidays are over? I know plenty of people who embrace this time and welcome with open arms the dismantling of their Christmas decorations and purging of all things holiday related - especially those left over cookies and other fat-laden temptations. These acts of removing all holiday fanfare, whether it's festive food or festive decorations, signify a clean start to the new year. To many, this time is rejuvenating and motivation to begin the year with a bang is at an all time high.

This is not the case for me at all. Usually, I get a little blue after the holidays - especially when it's time to take down the tree and the plethora of decorations that turned my home into a warm and welcoming winter wonderland for the past month. I look ahead and all I see are a series of cold months in front of me, and I struggle to find motivation to do much more than curl up in my robe and settle down for a long winter's nap.

That's certainly not an option, of course. In a mere two weeks I'll be rising and (hopefully) shining like the rest of the working world (minus the paycheck), going to my student teaching position each day and then coming home at night to work on lesson plans. There will be little if any time to sit on my ass at all, which, seeing as that leads to being 235 lbs, is probably a good thing. Many of my fellow students have actually lost weight during the course of their student teaching semester. I know I will be on my feet much more than I am now, and will be moving around more, and certainly eating less. This is good because I purposely bought pants that were a bit snug in the waistline as further motivation to lose weight while going through the semester. Gaining is not an option. I am literally at the end of my fat rope.

The good news is, my home gym is getting back in order. Not sure if you remember the projects I talked about over the summer but the red room was a complete disaster area and is finally - FINALLY - ready to be used the way Richard Simmons intended. Actually,  that's not entirely true - as there is little space for Sweatin' the the Oldies, but the treadmill, elliptical and recumbent bike are all set up and accessible and there is a TV on the wall and I have a small space to use hand weights or do some stretching and maybe even yoga. In other words, I have all the tools, now I just need to utilize them.

I have been considering what my "solutions" should be to weight loss this year (versus resolutions) and I think it's high time to confront the Sugar Beast and try to part ways with It as swiftly as possible. I have realized over the past year or so that my sugar addiction has gotten so bad that I have found myself eating things that were sweet even if I didn't particularly enjoy them. I mean if you are going to blow your calorie load on some sugary crap, you should at the very least like what you are eating, right? Well, I found myself eating a rather dry and unsatisfying danish about 2 weeks ago and realized that although it tasted seriously sub-par to anything homemade, I was eating to tame a sugar craving - nothing more. I got zero enjoyment out of it, and frankly after it was all gone, I felt disgusting. After a while, I started getting feelings of resentment at my mother-in-law for even sending them to us (part of a Christmas gift from Wolferton's). She knows I struggle with my weight and her son is in the same unfortunate boat. I know this is her way to show love, but ironically this gift of love, is a real killer. Literally.

Little did I know that my birthday gift would include more diet saboteurs from her, such as a gigantic container of peppermint bark from Costco (aka Christmas Crack) and an equally large bag of chocolate truffles. Neither of those offenders have been touched but the packages of danishes didn't fare so well - never mind how my waistline fared as a result of eating them.Not to put the onus on my mother-in-law, mind you. She is great lady who is extremely generous. And she's not the only one sabotaging Josh and I with baked goods. I did that on my own, as well. Banana cake, cookies, homemade fudge....the list goes on. The holidays were a proverbial sugar plum fairy's wet dream.

But I knew my sugar cravings had reached their limit and I've had enough when this morning I happily tossed left over chocolate cupcakes and fudge into the trash and decided my 3 over ripe bananas were NOT going to be baked into yet another cake. Sometimes you just have to put your fat foot down.

So, I'm feeling good about rethinking my food choices and I am enjoying my new ritual of having green tea versus dessert at night. There's something cozy about it - and let's face it - I don't go to bed bloated or full. Stay tuned for more small victories as they occur. I've set a short term goal of losing 5 lbs by the time student teaching begins. One solution I have decided upon is the 5 lbs increment approach. It's so much less daunting than looking at the 100 plus pounds I need to drop.

Here's to baby steps.

Guess which woman is me....

Solutions, not Resolutions

Hey there...
I know it's been a long time....but I decided to come back and say hello.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that writing this blog feels oddly strange to me. It's like I've been gone way too long, cobwebs have accumulated in the corners of my blog, and I'm not familiar with the language of what it is I'm supposed to be talking about on here anymore. I'm not sure where to begin, other than with a warm greeting, and the admission that I've missed the community here, and hope that everyone is doing well.

Over the past month and a half, I took time off from the weight loss blog because frankly, I just wasn't doing anything about my weight (other than adding to it) and with stress of the end of the semester and the hectic craze of the holidays I knew my attitude about it wasn't getting better - only worse. Tired of making excuses and writing about failures, I dropped out of sight and decided to finish out the year not thinking about the dreaded subject of weight loss. The problem is, I have found that even when you give yourself a free pass, you never truly stop thinking about what it is that you are doing, how it relates to your weight, and how your body, mind, and soul are going to pay for it later.

So, here we are the first day of the New Year, 2012. If the Mayans are right, this is my last shot to get my shit together.

Yes, I'm back on the writing kick but I surely know it isn't enough to simply write about losing weight. If I have any shot in hell of making 2012 a year of positive change, I need to do so much more. This year isn't about making resolutions. Those never seem to work for me. It is, however,  about finding the right solutions to what I consider to be the most problematic issue I have ever had. I need to figure out exactly how I am going to address my issues and how I am going to manage them. This will take time. No, it's not rocket science, but I have been here so many times, I need to really be sure I am willing to make the hardest sacrifices this time around. No pussy-footing around. At age 40, I don't know how many more times I have it in me to ride this God forsaken merry-go-round.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and is welcoming the New Year with open arms, as I am trying to do. I had a fabulous Christmas and birthday and am ready for the year ahead. The next few weeks will be crucial in my plan for success, as I begin student teaching Jan 17 and that will bring a whole other set of challenges that I need to meet head-on.

Pardon the profanity, but a little bit of how I am feeling is what the cartoon below is all about. Here's to a much more triumphant 2013 picture!!!

(Note: Couldn't get the cartoon to insert correctly - ugh!!!)

Time Keeps on Slipping...Into the Future....

I know I say this EVERY week but, Damn - time flies!
Ever since Halloween, I feel like life has been on perpetual fast speed and I just need to slow things down. It's the proverbial Catch 22 - I want time to go by quickly so that I will be finished with my classes and all the hellish time-sucking work that comes with them -  But I NEED it to also slow down because Lord knows the work load I have in front of me can't get done in the course of a few days. I have 3 weeks to go and in that time I have the following projects due: 2 research papers, a special ed modified lesson plan, a graphic organizer to accompany one of my research papers, a group presentation, 2 final exams and a HUGE field work observation write up that I have to do based on my 90 hours of elementary school classroom observation (totaling about 100 pages typed). Never mind the stuff I have to do for the upcoming holiday.

Yeah, my head is spinning big time. Like a friggin' top.

Stop the ride, I wanna get off.....

So... if you guessed that dieting isn't on the front burner this week, you're 100% correctomundo!! What is it they say about the word "STRESSED" spelled backwards....??? Oh, come on - You know.....and I have been having my unfair share.
Basically, it boils down to this: I'm eating when I can, and eating what is available to me - and it's not all veggies and fruit, that is for sure. It doesn't mean I am having corn dogs dipped in cheeze whiz and chocolate covered chicken wings or anything, but I haven't been cooking a whole heck of a lot, that's for sure. My husband is on kitchen duty. In other words - There has been pizza. And shepherd's pie. And steak. And today a turkey & swiss pannini from the deli down the street. I did manage to make homemade black bean soup that was absolutely fabulous, minus the gas it gave me for three days after the fact. Beg pardon - TMI?????

This week wasn't great to say the least - I am back at 231 again - so alas, a gain AGAIN...Hello, Yo-Yo! This story is so old, so annoying, and soooooo last July. I'm over it but I will say that in my heart of hearts, I know that until I get a grip on the school work hanging over my head, I will be able to focus on little else. I know it's wrong, but it's the reality.

Another reality is that I get to go for a physical next week as a part of my clearances for student teaching. I can't remember what I weighed the last time I saw my doctor but I was probably in the 220's, if I'm guessing. So I haven't changed much weight wise but I know that I expressed to her the last time I was there that I wanted to lose weight...that was at least 2 years ago. Um, hello???? Epic fail.

Anyway - I am sorry to disappoint once again - that goes for myself and my fellow bloggers. If I lost an ounce for every time I thought about dieting or losing weight, I'd be the world's skinniest woman. But let's face it, thinking doesn't mean doing....I'm not stupid. I know which end is up.I'm struggling more than ever and I hate it.

In three weeks I will be a free woman, though!! I will have time to live again and get my head in order and focus on a plan. Am I making excuses? Maybe...
Does that mean I accept the way I am and am ready to give up? No - Not at all.
I hope every one else is having better luck.....or better motivation...or whatever it is I lack.
Keep posting your success stories. Even a girl who isn't "there yet" still likes to hear good news from the "other side."

Lost my Compass...

How is it that it is Monday already? I feel like I was just spewing on and on about my claims to better health and detox and all things weight loss related - gung-ho and determined -  and now another whole week has flown by.....and here I am. Practically smack dab in the middle of November, wishing, like Cher, that I could turn back time.

Ah, but the Christmas Dress Challenge update awaits! God - am I even really considered a contender at this point??? I just have to ask.

The past 7 days were not horrendous or anything. I lost just *a spit* under a pound in that time (I'm marking it as a pound because I had underwear and a bra on during weigh in), and I am relatively happy about that. What I am NOT happy about is that I didn't do what I had set out to do last week - and that was to get on my Two Week Turnaround Program so I could once and for all start seeing results. Real results - not the loss and gain of the same 5 pounds I have screwing with since July.
So much for my big mouth and big promises. What I have learned about myself lately is, is that I am awful at keeping commitments to myself. This is a character trait I find both annoying and shameful. It is undoubtedly why I weigh what I weigh, and why week after week the reports on my blog feature the same old shit, just wrapped in a different excuse package.

Speaking of packages, I have been thinking about the upcoming holiday season... a lot....Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New ME! always gives such great advice. She was the one who asked the tough question of "If Not Now, When?" She also advised that I put a plan of action in place for the holidays so that I don't completely go overboard - and I have been dedicating some thought to this, since I am one to literally celebrate the whole season long, as opposed to just for a day or two. Why even as I type this, I have some soft instrumental jazz Christmas music playing in the background. It's already begun...

If I don't watch it, I can get absorbed in all of the holiday hoopla and demands to eat, drink, and be merry and completely forget that there are no pounds to spare - I have ZERO wiggle room in my clothes -  and that all that stuff that I love to eat during the holidays acts as a caloric and fat pandemic on my body.  I NEED to start WANTING TO make my health a priority. Notice the wording there, because I know that it means something differently than just saying I need to make my health a priority. The want has to be there, and with so much failure under my belt, I often wonder if the WANT is what's really missing? These days it seems like everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes before my dedication to weight loss. Yes,  I find myself doing some things that are healthful - but I don't do enough of them to see results. Or, maybe it's that I do too much of the things that are a detriment to my health to see the benefits of any of the good stuff I do. Either way, I need to change it up.


So, yes, this season is going to be tough. But I think I can handle it - IF I act now. And that's really the kicker, isn't it? I know if I started losing a few pounds, I'd want to keep that ball rolling.....but this one or two pounds up and down every other week isn't doing much for my case. I'm much more at the "what's the use?" stage right now than "I know you can do it"....and that isn't good. I have to dig deeper. I have to find that spark I used to have. I feel like I have lost my compass and I have no idea how to get back to that place.

In other news, I'm in the final throes of the semester and I know my lethargy and non-compliance to doing what I should for my weight loss efforts has much to do with burying myself in my school work. Not that it makes it right - but it gives my main issue a name or description anyway. But in less than a month I will be finished with the last of my classes for my master's degree and student teaching will be my "job" come Jan 17. All I know is that I need to get my shit together before then...I cannot go into student teaching feeling/looking/acting/thinking the way I have been as of late. I won't make it. I'll be stressed as it is - I think I might be able to handle myself better if I at least am on a healthier track.

Whew - that is a whole lot of aimless rambling. Sorry, guys.  Hope you are all having a good Monday!

End of year self-portrait? Yeah, this looks to be about right.

Fat in Motion

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like no matter what, you are doomed to live in a fat suit forever? I'm there today....as a matter of fact, I have been there for a while now. Check any recent post of mine and you know that I have not been a successful life-style changer this past year. In a word, my attempts at dieting have SUCKED.

These days I am getting more and more reflective about it. Maybe because we are getting closer and closer to the end of the year and I am realizing (once again) just how much I have failed myself in 2011. I'm turning 40 at the end of December and that alone is enough to make me weep...Turning 40 while still residing in this body is a whole other level of hell.

I also made the mistake (or was it a blessing??) of watching video of myself from the summer and also some footage that was filmed more recently and I barely recognized the person I saw moving around on the screen in front of me. It's weird - I look at myself in the mirror and somehow I justify my appearance. Never mind the fact that my entire wardrobe no longer fits me. Denial baby - it ain't just a river in Egypt. However, a video, for whatever reason, gets my attention. Fat in motion....So. Not. Cool. But seriously? What did I THINK 230 pounds on a 5 foot frame looked like?? Damn, I have been kidding myself big time.

This isn't a get out a box of tissues and cry into my beer type of story....I don't do that anymore. I'm just stating facts because that's all I have. Those that read this blog regularly know I have been to the edge of my fatsanity before. There are no excuses, there are no words of comfort, there are no other bits of advice to get...I simply have to do it, and it must be on my own accord. End of story. The words are so simple to type...so difficult for me to execute. WHY?

I am in desperate need of a jump start - at least this much I know is true. I need a clean sweep to detox my body from Halloween candy and all things carb and sugar-related. My body is letting me know it's so damn ready for this. I dug out my Rodale book - The Two Week Turnaround Diet and I think that just may be the thing I need. Something that is going to get me going again, because ladies, I have STALLED in place and my battery needs some definite charging.

I'm so afraid that if I don't get on it, the scale is just going to keep moving in the wrong direction again.... I'm at 230.5 - up .25 from Wed...yep - that's the wrong direction allright. Frig.

So....not good news report for the challenge update this week, OBVIOUSLY.
I'm not even going to say a word about the week ahead....I'm just going to do my detox and see how it goes. Goodbye carbs, hello veggies. Oh, and exercise. Let's not forget I need to begin an affair with that again too.
I'm sure you all have had a better week than I. Stay strong....I will live vicariously through your willpower!

Snowloween Did Me In...

I know I am two days late and more than a dollar short on my Christmas Dress Challenge Post. I'm still fighting this nasty-ass cold and I'm thinking I may have to actually break down and make a doctor's appointment. This is so not like me - I normally will wait until I see physical signs of lung being hacked out of my mouth before I call a doctor. Well, let's just say we are close to that point.
I tried making some rounds on Monday to post on some people's blogs but still need to hit up a few of you. Never fear - in between blowing my nose and hacking up things that are better left un-described, I will get to them.

So, a quick update for now and I will post again when I feel human - is that a deal?

I am up 1.5 pounds from last week's weigh in. Technically it's 2.5 since I posted mid week last week saying I had been down a pound from my previous weigh in. No matter how you slice it, it ain't pretty. I know what went wrong -  Although I was holding out decently on that Halloween candy last week - that all went to hell in a handbasket over the weekend. We had a party on Saturday where only 3 out of 15 guests showed up due to Mother Nature's nasty Snowloween joke she played on the Northeast this weekend. Let's just say when you make food for 15 people and only 3 show up, you have some serious trouble on your hands. Yeah - basically I had food and desserts out the wazoo and since I'm not one to let my hard earned grocery purchases go to waste, we plowed our way through it over the past few days and now it's residing on my ass. Go figure. I'm the only person that gets sick and yet still wants to eat. Damn it all, you Martha Stewart cheeseball recipe.

All told, we probably had at least a foot of snow - although it was very wet and heavy so who knows the actual total. It sort of sank into itself as it fell - bringing down massive amounts of tree limbs with it. My parents haven't had power since late Saturday afternoon. They expect it to be restored by tomorrow. It has not been the best of weeks.

I'm getting plenty of fluids - it's the one thing that I am sticking with this week! The rest is just a mess but better days are ahead - let's hope.

Hope everyone else is kicking butt....I sure need mine kicked.

You can say that again!