Humbled...

I am not sure if I can properly express the gratitude I feel for the support this blogging community has given me - and I am humbled by how many people "come to the rescue" at a time when you really need it most. This was never more apparent to me than it was yesterday.

As I am sure most of you already gathered, yesterday morning I had been feeling pretty low and my post certainly reflected that.  There was an incredible amount of self-doubt and disappointment I was allowing to grow inside of me, and I knew it was affecting my whole way of thinking about losing weight. But I wanted to be honest with everyone about how I felt (at that moment) in terms of where I am both physically and mentally in this journey. One thing I never want to do here is lay down some BS that has everyone thinking my weight loss journey is all rainbows and bluebirds and pots of gold when in reality, it's the exact opposite. That does me absolutely no good, and it would defeat the purpose of blogging entirely.  I pretty much wear my emotions and thoughts on my sleeve, or in this case, on my computer screen, so rest assured, you'll always know "the real skinny" about what's going on here in Fatville, NJ.

With that said, I never expected so many supportive, inspiring and motivating comments to come out of such a "downer" post - but I am extremely grateful to those who replied because it made a world of difference for my psyche both yesterday afternoon and today (the replies are still coming in!).

What I love best is that many of you gave me the tough love I so desperately needed - but you also did so with a kindness and compassion that I don't ever recall getting from people I have never met in the flesh (or even family members when it came to my weight issues - my cousin Andrea excluded - she is an awesome cheerleader!!!). You all told me what works for you (which I asked for), you gave me great suggestions on how to better organize my eating plan so that failure isn't an option, you gave me online tools I can use to help track what I eat, you gave me the offer of one on one support if I needed it, you confirmed that this is NOT an easy ride and that you understand what this is like and why it's important to take control, and overall all, you just showed me that you care and are invested in my success too. And a few of you even asked me some very tough questions I have been too afraid to ask myself. Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New Me grabbed me with this particular question: If not now, when?


I stared at those words for a little while and repeated them to myself aloud. If not now, when? When I think of the magnitude of that question, it really blows my socks off and I'll tell you why. When I was a teenager, I told myself by the time I was 20, I would have my weight under control. When I hit 20 and my weight continued to balloon, I thought age 25 would be the magic number and I would finally look and feel the way I wanted. When I turned 25, and nothing had changed, I was sure by my 30th birthday I could beat this problem. Age 30 came and went and so did 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 and 39. I am now just about 3 months from my 40th birthday, weighing 229 pounds, which is about 6 pounds less than my highest weight ever.  If not now, when?????

Time stands still for no one - I have learned this the hard way. I am so tired of playing the "weighting" game with myself that I know the answer to Michele's question is this: The time IS now. All of those "if not now, when?" moments have come and gone....I have no more time to spare. I'm am doing this NOW.

There is so much more I could write about this, but I am not dwelling on the past, because it gets me nowhere. I just wanted you all to know that your comments are not in vain - I have gained valuable gems from them and am thankful you gave the time to stop by and offer your support.

And just so you know I am true to my word, I DID jump back into the Shred yesterday, and I was right - it was hard. Not as hard as Day 1 though. Apparently it takes more than 3 days for your body to go completely back to hell.  I got up an did it again this morning, followed by an hour walk with my husband and the dogs.

I feel like a new woman today.

With This Pee, I Thee Shed?

Hello peeps!
I'm supposed to be writing a paper for one of my classes but am finding it difficult to really get into it (what's new?). I know it has to be done, and I have a lesson plan that is next in line once the paper is complete - yet here I am futzing around on the computer doing anything but what I am supposed to be doing. Oh Lord, if you only knew just how typical that was of me. My friend (who happens to be a special ed teacher and is therefore quite familiar with the subject) confirmed my self-diagnoses for having Adult ADD. I swear, my ability to stay focused sometimes (as in a lot of the time) SUCKS.

Adding to my issues of not being able to stay focused is all this damn water I have been drinking. For those of you that regularly drink upward of 80 - 100 oz a day, how do you do it? I am CONSTANTLY up and down from my chair, back and forth to the bathroom because I have to pee. Like we're talking waterfalls of pee that I cannot believe my bladder can even hold....Please tell me this stops after a while. I mean, I am willing to pee my brains out if it means shedding some weight - but holy smokes is it inconvenient!

I'm sticking to my challenge goals, though - despite my raging desire to throw on a pair of Depends so that I can stay put in my chair for longer than a 30 minute stretch. I'm guzzling 64 oz of pure water - plus more liquids throughout the day - primarily in the form of coffee, but hey - that counts, right? I'm also tracking WW points, and getting in my 30 minutes of exercise. Yesterday it was the Shred and an additional walk, today it is the Shred and I promise, I will walk again a little later.

Speaking of the Shred, I'm still trudging through! Monday I did not do the DVD because my back was acting up (disc issues - so not fun) but I figured out that it was mainly the bicycle crunches that were causing me pain for whatever reason. Not to be deterred, I got back on the horse yesterday so for the past 2 workouts (Tues & today)  I just did a regular crunch combined with a reverse crunch during that last abs segment which seemed to alleviate the pain a bit (or at least not intensify it, anyway). What is encouraging to me is the difference I notice in myself (endurance-wise) now that I have completed Day 12 versus my struggles in the beginning. Even the jumping jacks are getting easier. And I NEVER thought I'd say that.

Technically this is supposed to be the last day for Level 1, but I am not sure I am ready to move on (mentally or physically) - however, I am willing to try if others who are doing the challenge are also sticking to the proposed schedule. Give me a shout and let me know how you are doing!! I am willing to suffer along and call Jillian even more harsh names in Level 2 if you are!

That's about it...just a wee little update (no pun intended). I'm sending good vibes out to everyone else to kick some butt and stick with your goals. I also want to thank everyone for their comments and support. You guys make this weight loss thing (*almost*) enjoyable - LOL.

Christmas Dress Challenge - Goals & Dresses

Ok, I realize I am just getting my post in for the Christmas Dress Challenge by the skin of my teeth, but I'm here and I have my info and pics, as promised.

I have given some serious thought to goals and what I'd like to accomplish in the next three months and how I am going to achieve these changes. Because this challenge runs simultaneously with the 30 Day Shred Challenge (until mid Oct) I am combining some of my goals I set for that along with this challenge.

I like the fact that this particular challenge is 3 months long, taking us through what I consider to be the hardest time of the year for weight loss. It's what I call the Triple Threat and it starts with Halloween, which will be here before we all know it. Boo, indeed!

Ok, so here are the dresses:

Looks so much better on the hangar than hanging on my body.

 This dress I bought last year in Oct as a possible rehearsal dinner dress but didn't end up wearing it. I thought I could wear it for our honeymoon in Dec, but by then I didn't feel comfortable in it. Rest assured, it's not a maternity dress, but it sure as hell looks like one on me (see pic below). The goal here is to wear this dress without someone asking me when I'm due.
It is size 16W. I'm currently riding the 1X, 18W or 18/20W train depending on the style/cut.

As a matter of fact, no, I'm not expecting. But thanks for asking.

The next dress I selected I have had in my closet for a few years. It's an XL (probably not accurate sizing but that's the manufacturer's fault, not mine) and I have always envisioned myself wearing this with some sexy knee-high patent leather boots. I bought it when I was probably close to 205 - 210 pounds but it never really fit that well. I thought with the magic of Spanx it would look OK, but my confidence must have taken a nose dive because I never wore it. I don't think that by Dec 18 this dress is going to look perfect on me by a long shot, but the goal for this dress isn't to have it fit perfect, but more so to have some of my body lumps and bumps smoothed out so the design doesn't look so ripply. I'm sure I'll continue to work on the "wearability" of this dress long after the challenge is over.

Goal: Make those lines on the waist STRAIGHT!

As for the meaty goals for this challenge, here they are:

1) I have made a BIG decision to do WW online and try tracking points (again). This is not something I had originally planned but after some heavy consideration, I am going to give it 3 solid months of effort and see if it gives me some decent results. I need accountability. Desperately.

2) I also will make sure to get in 30 minutes of exercise in 5 days a week. In one little secret corner of my brain, I am hoping for 7 days a week but this may be difficult and I want to make sure I am setting realistic goals. Let's face it, sometimes life gets in the way.

3) I will drink 64 oz of water a day. I have been BAD with getting in my H2O, so this is something I really want to do! 

4) Weight loss goal - 20 lbs. Enough said.

My measurements can be found on my 30 Day Shred page. They were just taken a few days ago, so I consider them valid for this challenge as well. More than likely, I'll post weekly weigh ins and monthly measurement updates.

That's about it for now....

Hope we all end up on Santa's Nice list by sticking to our goals this year!

Merry Challenge Everyone!

Turning Wishes into Goals

"Goals that are not written down are just wishes." ~ Anonymous 

I absolutely love this quote - especially as it applies to weight loss because I think it is safe to say that everyone who is on or has been on a weight loss mission, whether it be to lose 10 lbs or 100 lbs, has specific end goals they are/were looking to meet; goals that stretch way beyond simply shedding the pounds.

Personally, I've read countless articles about weight loss, many of which stress the importance of writing down goals before embarking on a weight loss journey. The physical writing down of these goals not only solidifies them as "real" accomplishments to strive for, but written goals also act as a visual compass to guide you to your end results. They keep you focused on the reasons you set out on this journey in the first place, and if you keep them close by (not stuffed in a drawer next to your secret candy bar stash), they can serve as an excellent reminder of why you should stay committed to your weight loss when the going gets tough.

I must admit for all the reading I have done on the subject, you'd think I would have hopped right on that goal-writing bandwagon. But alas, I have never been one to follow through on doing this. Perhaps this is partly the reason for my multiple failed attempts at losing weight. Maybe I didn't take it serious enough or give it enough worth to sit down and devote a chunk of time to thinking about what it is I REALLY want - beyond losing 100 lbs. Sure, I have listed things here an there in my previous blog about why I wanted to lose weight, but when I think about it they were sort of fly by the seat of my pants random thoughts - not serious contemplations about what tackling the most difficult thing in my life (and what's more, succeeding at it) would actually mean for me. Because I do know that when (notice I am saying WHEN, not IF) I do this, that life will undoubtedly change. The magnitude of these changes is what I do not know.

That's not to say I don't have goals - or are they just wishes? Whatever they are, I have plenty of them and I think about them - ALL OF THE TIME. But maybe they really are just wishes because I haven't written them down and I don't look at them everyday to remind me of why I truly want to lose weight. For example, when I stare into my closet full of clothes I love but cannot wear, I often think to myself, "I wish I could still wear these." I don't think, "My goal is to wear these again." I think that is a problem - I need to turn those wishes into goals. After all, there is no bottled up genie residing in my house that is going to one day pop out and grant me those wishes.....so what the hell am I wishing for anyway? I think it's time to give my goals the pen and ink they deserve. Although I am going to list them here, I will be writing them in Sharpie marker and hanging in a prominent place to remind myself of their significance.

So, I have given it some serious thought, and although I may come up with other goals as I travel though this process, here are the major players thus far:

My Goals for Wanting to Lose 100 Pounds

• To be healthy for the first time in a long time. I want to live a long, happy life with my wonderful husband. We waited so long to find each other, I want to make sure we have as much time together as possible.
• To avoid health related issues that have plagued both sides of my family tree.  I DO NOT want knee replacement surgery - ever! Nor do I want to have a stroke!
• To not get winded walking up stairs (I never again want to feel the way I did during our zip line experience in St. Lucia on our honeymoon. I thought my legs were going to collapse under me and my lungs were going to explode as I was climbing the mountain. I enjoyed the zip lining but probably not as much as I would have had I not been this heavy.
• To sit without wanting to cover my stomach with my hands.
• To be able to kneel without excruciating knee pain when I do housework or outside yard work.
• To be able to cross my legs (I don't think I have ever been able to do this, at 5'0" and forever overweight).
• To fit in the clothes I REALLY want to wear - and they do not already reside in my closet. I cannot remember the last time I have shopped in a Missy clothing department - but I am pretty sure it was well before high school.
• To wear sexy shoes again - I used to be the queen of heels. Lately, my flip flops, sneakers and "Mandals" (mannish sandals) are about the only things that don't kill my feet, and how sexy is that? I can tell you - Not very.
• To make my boobs smaller - they are freaking out of control - I can sport cleavage in a turtleneck!
• To simply feel comfortable in my own skin.
• To be pain free.
• To stop comparing myself to others.
• To stop coveting other people's weight loss success.
• To wear a bikini before I turn 42.
• To feel like a wanton sex goddess!!!
• To stop envying people that are thinner.
• To not have to think about how my body looks when I sit down.
• To wear calf-high boots that are not for "extra wide calves"
• To be Carmen Miranda for Halloween - this requires a bikini top!!!
• To have only ONE chin!
• To eliminate swelling in my ankles and feet.
• To be able to tuck in a shirt or not have to wear shirts that hang below my stomach, or are A-line.
• To be able to run without feeling like I am dying 1000 deaths, or that I am going to blow out my knee.
• To not be embarrassed when I see people that haven't seen me in a while.
• To stop avoiding social situations where I MIGHT see people that haven't seen me in a while.
• To prevent the arthritis in my knee from being exacerbated.
• To make me feel confident as I interview next year for a teaching position (a new career path for me after completing my graduate degree in elementary ed in May 2012).
• To make exercise feel less laborious and more glorious!
• To have a better relationship with food.
• To stop feeling like a failure at something I have repeatedly tried to succeed at, with no luck.
• To have an "after" picture and be able to see how far I've come.
• To say I did it!!!!
• To feel "normal."
• To inspire others.

So there they are - my weight loss GOALS - not just wishes - but milestones I will reach with each pounds that disappears.