Monday, November 14, 2011

Lost my Compass...

How is it that it is Monday already? I feel like I was just spewing on and on about my claims to better health and detox and all things weight loss related - gung-ho and determined -  and now another whole week has flown by.....and here I am. Practically smack dab in the middle of November, wishing, like Cher, that I could turn back time.

Ah, but the Christmas Dress Challenge update awaits! God - am I even really considered a contender at this point??? I just have to ask.

The past 7 days were not horrendous or anything. I lost just *a spit* under a pound in that time (I'm marking it as a pound because I had underwear and a bra on during weigh in), and I am relatively happy about that. What I am NOT happy about is that I didn't do what I had set out to do last week - and that was to get on my Two Week Turnaround Program so I could once and for all start seeing results. Real results - not the loss and gain of the same 5 pounds I have screwing with since July.
So much for my big mouth and big promises. What I have learned about myself lately is, is that I am awful at keeping commitments to myself. This is a character trait I find both annoying and shameful. It is undoubtedly why I weigh what I weigh, and why week after week the reports on my blog feature the same old shit, just wrapped in a different excuse package.

Speaking of packages, I have been thinking about the upcoming holiday season... a lot....Michele at Ruminations and Uncovering: Toward a New ME! always gives such great advice. She was the one who asked the tough question of "If Not Now, When?" She also advised that I put a plan of action in place for the holidays so that I don't completely go overboard - and I have been dedicating some thought to this, since I am one to literally celebrate the whole season long, as opposed to just for a day or two. Why even as I type this, I have some soft instrumental jazz Christmas music playing in the background. It's already begun...

If I don't watch it, I can get absorbed in all of the holiday hoopla and demands to eat, drink, and be merry and completely forget that there are no pounds to spare - I have ZERO wiggle room in my clothes -  and that all that stuff that I love to eat during the holidays acts as a caloric and fat pandemic on my body.  I NEED to start WANTING TO make my health a priority. Notice the wording there, because I know that it means something differently than just saying I need to make my health a priority. The want has to be there, and with so much failure under my belt, I often wonder if the WANT is what's really missing? These days it seems like everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes before my dedication to weight loss. Yes,  I find myself doing some things that are healthful - but I don't do enough of them to see results. Or, maybe it's that I do too much of the things that are a detriment to my health to see the benefits of any of the good stuff I do. Either way, I need to change it up.

So, yes, this season is going to be tough. But I think I can handle it - IF I act now. And that's really the kicker, isn't it? I know if I started losing a few pounds, I'd want to keep that ball rolling.....but this one or two pounds up and down every other week isn't doing much for my case. I'm much more at the "what's the use?" stage right now than "I know you can do it"....and that isn't good. I have to dig deeper. I have to find that spark I used to have. I feel like I have lost my compass and I have no idea how to get back to that place.

In other news, I'm in the final throes of the semester and I know my lethargy and non-compliance to doing what I should for my weight loss efforts has much to do with burying myself in my school work. Not that it makes it right - but it gives my main issue a name or description anyway. But in less than a month I will be finished with the last of my classes for my master's degree and student teaching will be my "job" come Jan 17. All I know is that I need to get my shit together before then...I cannot go into student teaching feeling/looking/acting/thinking the way I have been as of late. I won't make it. I'll be stressed as it is - I think I might be able to handle myself better if I at least am on a healthier track.

Whew - that is a whole lot of aimless rambling. Sorry, guys.  Hope you are all having a good Monday!

End of year self-portrait? Yeah, this looks to be about right.


  1. You can do it! Get right back on track...each day is a new day to make your self healthier.

  2. The part where you say that you are terrible at keeping commitments to yourself rang so true to me. I am easily annoyed by others who don't follow through on their word, and I hold myself highly accountable when it comes to my responsibility to other people. But what about me? Why isn't my commitment to myself more important that my commitment to anyone else? Something I must change...

  3. It sounds like making all these promises and commitments to yourself just puts pressure on you and that works against you. Going public with all these things you are going to do only creates stress it seems. Why not work on some behaviors like not eating after 6 p.m., 64 oz. of water a day, eat only at the table, exercising 3 - 5 times a week. We all know how we should be eating. I personally hate planning, journaling, keeping track of every bite although I know that is what works for some people and I say more power to them. Following someone else's eating plan means you don't own it however. It creates an attitude of rebellion because of the "rules". Breaking the rules is bad and brings guilt which means punishment through overeating. I know it's discouraging and maddening when success isn't happening. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Take care.

  4. I think it's key to find out how to WANT making changes.. Because it takes a lot of effort, and that sort of doesn't come for free I've found. It's hard to say what it takes though, I mean .. the motivation has to come from within. I wish there was a quick fix! But thinking about these things certainly won't hurt!

  5. All we can do is keep trying. I'm sure we all have days/weeks/months where we just give up - the important thing is coming back and trying again - getting back on the horse so to speak.

  6. I understand how you are feeling, but don't give up, that will make it all feel so much worse. Get back on track, work hard, and stick with it.

  7. Ugh-quit singing my song, for real! I know you'll pull it together. You will.

  8. That was not a lot of aimless rambling! I see someone who is figuring out a bunch of things regarding getting healthy. To me one of the most important gifts of getting healthy is learning more about why we do the things we do in the first place regarding health, eating and fitness. I sure have. And you are, too.

    Do you exercise? If not, maybe making that a goal for this week will get you going in the right direction. Plus, it is such a great stress reliever.

    Have you ever listened to any of Oprah's podcasts? There are many terrific ones from January 2009. Here is one of my favs: Oprah and Bob Greene's Weight Loss Webcast - Audio 1:29:48 1/13/09 Take Control of Your Weight and Your Life. In that postcast, Bob Greene and Oprah talk about how we would never treat others the way we treat ourselves when it comes to health and fitness. Worth listening to.

    Rochelle, I know you can do this. You can. I know it. Try to no see the whole picture of what you have to do and just think about a few things. Maybe 3 or so a day that you work at. Like exercise, planning for holidays and keeping track of your foods.

    Thanks so much for the kind words about my blog. I just would like to see folks get it together way before I did. We are worth it.

    BTW: I love Christmas too. Especially Christmas lights. Have a great week! Stay strong and focused,

  9. Don't get your panties all caught up in this diet, dear. One day at a time. Your rambling seems more like sorting it all out. Kind of like emptying the purse and deciding what to keep or at least finding out what is really inside it. LOL.

    I respect the fact that your mind is getting fed. Teaching is such a respectable profession.

  10. You sure are still a contender. All the talking and figuring out that you are doing in this post, is exactly how I finally figured out how to get myself back on track, so keep talking and figuring!! Having a plan for the season is essential. I've decided to focus on all the non food stuff.....the music, the atmosphere, the delight in children's eyes, the decorating, the meeting and greeting of old friends.....yes I will indulge a little, but just on Thanksgiving DAY and Christmas DAY!

  11. Leaving out the dress challenge for a moment because the rest of your life is more important than a dress in 1 month -

    Please email me. I want to send you something to read that might help you.

    The reason I cannot post it here is because it is from a book and I do not have the rights to publish a whole chapter.

    my email address is my blog name, dot my first name, @


  12. Aww, your self deprecation is sad and amusing at the same time. I hope you find your way. I'm wandering a little this week too.

    Btw, congratulations on your loss!: )

  13. This may sound rich coming from me as I've been doing quite badly myself, but you can do this. Don't give in to the holiday telling you to indulge. I know you guys have thanksgiving, so it's double-y hard this time of year, but do what you can.