Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Letting the past in the past...

"Do not let the future be held hostage by the past." ~ Neal A. Maxwell

Hmmm.... these are some pretty interesting words indeed, and I find them quite poignant as I venture (once again) on this new journey to lose weight.

As a woman who has embarked on many a trip down Weight Loss Lane in my past, only to get terribly lost, frustrated and feeling like a failure when I end up back at Square One, I can easily relate to the idea of how simple it is to let the past dictate, or as the quote says, be held hostage by the future. When all I can see are the many past attempts at losing weight, some resulting in minimal losses and others ending in complete disaster, it is difficult at best to envision me ever being successful at dropping the pounds for good. The past has been liberally littered with good intentions but bad follow through. Somehow, the ice cream always won, or my resolve to not buy bigger pants weakened with every bite of pie.

There were the rare occasions when I did follow through - however, if I did manage to lose weight (maximum loss was around 32-ish pounds), I never stuck with it long enough to see any long term goals met. I either gave up or gave in or whatever you want to call it, when things either didn't progress as quickly as I'd have liked or I simply didn't commit myself fully to doing the work I knew I neded to do. In other words, I half-assed my weight loss attempts - which did not result in me halving the size of my ass, unfortunately.

The problem is, the majority of my past revolves around being a fat person - from the time I was a pre-teen to the woman I am now: someone who is staring down the big 4-0, angry that I have allowed so many years to go by buried under these layers, and someone who is equally petrified that I may not have what it takes to remove them. I'm not one of those people that has a past life where I was skinny. My fat genes took over at an early age, and I never got them under control. I don't have any pictures, unless you dig up some from elementary school, where I was considered a normal weight. All I know is a lifetime of being overweight, and I think that when that is the bulk of your past (pun intended), it's easy to allow thoughts of "you can't do this" to creep into your head. These thoughts, created entirely from MY past, need to be changed. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking about the past entirely.

Even now, although I am feeling VERY optimistic this time around (despite a 1 lb. gain last week while on vacation), the fear is that I will let the past, and all of the memories of my lack of will power to poison my thoughts about the future of this journey. I don't want to have these thoughts floating around me like a big negative aura, but the reality is - well, this has BEEN my reality -  and until I change it and make weight loss success become my new "norm"," it is hard to shake them off.

But I will try....and I will succeed. Because in the end, the past is just that - the past. It is behind me, and I need to let it go. Stop looking in the review mirror and keep looking forward. There might not be anything I can do about what I've done or didn't do in the last 39 years, but I do have a say over what happens in the next 39 and beyond, if I'm lucky.....

And I see good things ahead.....

1 comment:

  1. I say forget about the past and try to keep your focus on what you can do right now, today, to get you closer to your goals. Forgive yourself for any slip ups because they will happen and just move on. Don't worry about how long it will take to reach your goals, just keep taking steps in the right direction. Keep the faith that you can and will get there. You can do it!